A History of Waltham Forest - For Children

Once upon a time, there was a big dark Forest. This Forest was so big and so dark that people were afraid to go in. This Forest was called Waltham Forest and the only way there was by the MXXV, an old Roman Road that was cursed so that travellers always got stuck on it and had to turn back.

The darkest and most terrible part of the forest, where you were certain get lost and wander around for ever until you died, was called Leyton Municipal Offices.

Somewhere on the Northern side of the Forest, there lived an awful creature called Norman the Tebbitroll who later gave his name to Tebbiton. Later he was sent to a special home for the totally barking ­ it's called the House of Lords and is in London. For some reason this later became known as Chingford, the home of Sir Bunkum Duncan.

The Tebbitroll -- ughh!!


If you are too frightened to go on

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This Troll was wicked enough and used to ride around on a bike and swoop down and capture children and eat them - sometimes he would gobble up whole schools! He used to call them "Gobbled by Maggie" or GM schools. He ate nearly all the children in Tebbiton. Many years later Little Boy Blair made him spit them all out - only for a horrible swamp creature called the Bogblunkett to eat them up again!

The only people who would try to stop him were those they called the Nutters of Waltham Forest.

But Mack Doggy Dog who was their leader lived at Ham Hall like a king himself didn't help them very much.

The Bogblunkett - Yuuukkie!!

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They used to hope that Kinnochio the People's Friend would help, but he was made of wood. He told so many lies his nose got too long and his head fell off!

However wicked Norman, or Lord Bike as he later became, was only the servant of the Wicked Witch of West who ruled over the land of Barmia for what seemed like a hundred years ­ and it was never Christmas. Such terrible spells she worked! She made hundreds of coal mines, factories, schools, teachers, hospitals, doctors disappear in flash, leaving the poor people broke and homeless ­ but she didn't care ­ oh no! She was only happy when she was making people (except her friends of course) very sad.

The Wicked Witch of the West - aaggh

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She made friends with many an evil wizard, necromancer and torturer. One of her best friends was a Witch king called Raygun - the president of the United Sorcerers Association. She was dead keen to join this Association, so she was always sucking up to him saying "Yes Ronnie, no Ronnie, three sackfuls of missiles Ronnie." He had a nasty friend called Pinnoshit and when Maggie wanted to cast some vicious spells on the people of Argentina, he helped her out.

Well to cut a long story short children, Maggie the Witch was betrayed by her friends, particularly, Geoffrey the Sheep and Tarzan. We all watched as Major John of "Brixton" (or so he said) drove a steak through her heart. But as we know from Lady Voldemorris - who is forever going on about Bogwarts School and how she is going to turn it into a Specialist, Beacon school for the Dark Arts - you can never be sure whether an evil spirit will rise again and who it will take over.

We are pretty sure aren't we that Maggie's evil Project was for her spirit to take over Tony so he's become a Blair Witch. It seems so because his spells are even more wicked than hers are. He's even making steel disappear, Schools and especially the teachers are disappearing before our eyes! He keeps giving things to the Gnomes as well. The Tubes, the buses, Education goodness knows what else he' s taken off the people and given to the Gnomes.

Whatever shall we do? Do you know?

If you can help me then send an email to Uncle Ron at

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